I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Idk. We dropped acid and Kevin ran away again. We didn't find him for like 3 hours.
Man I wish I had been there
Yah we found him in the pool shed of some elderly couple. They were on the porch watching all of the shenanigans. ...To be young again.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
All she said to me before going to get another shot was "Damn, I'd eat her out."
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
How are you and your magical vagina doing today?
Randomize
