So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
We found you naked curled up in a ball in the closet, using a gorilla suit as a blanket
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Did you ever think you lost your bong and then you find it in the weirdest place? I mean, who leaves their bong in the shower?
Woke up on my sisters couch, and it was like the start of a Terminator movie,my brother in law was passed out on the floor naked in the fetal position. We now call him Arnold. It was an epic night.
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
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