she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
Drinking wine. Reading twilight. On a Friday night. Biggest loser contest. First Place.
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Dude. Craziest ride ever. I was convinced that the bus was an airplane. There were clouds when I looked out the window. I got really upset every time the bus turned because airplanes shouldn't turn.
Randomize
