Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
Randomize
