Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
that's the best thing i've ever said to a penis
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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