It's official. Every guy I've slept with has been to jail.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
