Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I told them the reason I passed out was because of "heat exhaustion." Not from showing up drunk. Good thing this is Arizona.
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
"I feel morally obligated to vote for him since he's my drug dealers dad"
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
