his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
i found a beer bottle on top of the urinal, peed in it and put it back... if anyone gets drunk enough to fall for it they deserve it
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
What's the blow job-backrub exchange rate these days? I've got some killer stress knots
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