a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I already ran out of vodka but I have more beer. I just ran naked into the high school party down the street as took all theirs. ...figured no one wants to tackle the naked guy..
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
Woke up with a lip tattoo that says "fake news" in case you're wondering about my wellbeing
Randomize
