mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Lesbian chick is doing her presentation on the time she woke up on the dockside still drunk at 7 am. This is why I show up to chinese class.
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
Do me a favor? If you get with him, please lick his abs. Someone has too they're just too beautiful not to.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
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