I should be sponsored by Trojan
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I'm going through our high school yearbook trying to find what boys I want to hook up with this summer. We graduated four years ago. That's a problem.
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
Randomize
