It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
My vagina has officially become a vortex for sexually confused frat guys.
tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
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