I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
it wasnt like "sexy" or whatever. like...she was smiling just standing there butt ass naked
tasteful.
As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Randomize
