I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Too bad pet owners lack respect for my training in ancient Buddhist and holistic rehab therapies.
I'm not sure the Buddhist consider pot brownies holistic rehab therapy
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
for future reference, singing eye of the tiger outside my door while i am having sex makes me incredibly uncomfortable
apparently not uncomfortable enough for you to stop
Randomize
