he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
In other news, I just burned my penis
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
