I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
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