got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
