im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
Randomize
