Ugh I have so many sins to confess tmw at church, you just made me think of many more I've made on that street alone
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
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