he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
He is like the "hometown sweetheart", but a huge freak. Like "I'll come change your flat tire"....but then fuck you like an animal in the back seat.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
Randomize
