I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
In America we eat man semen.
The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
He caught me shoving meatballs into my mouth using my hand. Fuck utensils. It’s Christmas...and this is why I’m single.
They are good meatballs.
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