the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
