Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I wish my penis had an off switch
Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
