i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
You spent most of the night crying and throwing leftover meatballs at the neighbors dogs
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
And my nipple is sore from him biting it. That is not a complaint.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
Randomize
