Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
last night i found where hot topic managers go to die after they get fired.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Randomize
