The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
I'll be honest with you, my dick was out at that point in time.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
Randomize
