I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
