I faked an abortion last night.
gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I've officially dedicated my newly single life to making myself squirt.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
Let's get drunk and take out your tonsils tonight
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
