Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
