Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
