you dont need to remember merediths name haha. only jane
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Did we have sex last night?
I think that was the general idea until I got you undressed and you puked on me.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
How have you never felt a dick as hard as mine?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Randomize
