if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
It has gotten to a point where I just want to sit on his face. Less butterflies, more orgasms.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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