I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
God is so good, I would give him a blow job right now.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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