my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
if my college career had corporate sponsors, they would be natty light and aim toothpaste.
I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...
thanks for that.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
Randomize
