I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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