Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
...and all my boxers are outside in the snow because????
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
Randomize
