Obv we're gonna bbm each other in bed
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
