her roommate was in the bathroom for over an hour so i volunteered to take the dog out and i shit in the bushes
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Uhhh...I just found your 10 dollar bill in my bra. I owe you 10 dollars.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
