don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
Was I shouting at a fire engine last Friday?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
He said he would pay my bar tab if he couldn't answer my question. He lost to the age old question of our youth. Why did pogs go out of style.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Dicks are not precious.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
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