I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.
Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Have you ever had one of those moments when you kept whispering to yourself "I'm not a slut, I'm not a slut..."?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
He was all “please don’t bail because I’m missing work for this” last night
Honey no, I need dick. I’m not going to bail
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
