I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently
and skipped dinner
Don't get the hula weed. It makes you sleep walk in destructive and confusing ways. I'll explain on Saturday.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
Currently trying to figure out if the guy has a cane next to me or brought a weird dildo to the bar
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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