Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?
Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?
Stop reading WebMD high.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
