in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
