I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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