Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
Am I getting cock blocked by karaoke? That's a first.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
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