Three 40's of Mickeys, is no excuse to be naked at Baskin Robins.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
