I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'd rather blow Nickelback than be told he gave me gonorrhea. I'd even post it on Facebook for all of the world to like, share, and judge me.
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Randomize
