chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
Apparently she got a minor consumption for using vodka soak tapmons
Does that work!! Please say yes
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Randomize
