sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
You threw up on his face 22 hours ago and now he's here holding your hand. I think he likes you.
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
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