Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
we tried to exchange flip flops in the parking lot and fell over then army crawled home
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
I party with great urgency now.
I woke up and there was a tiny sombrero on my penis. Care to explain?
Randomize
